The first kiss is very special.

"Betty: The first kiss is very special.

Sally: But I already did it. It's over.

Betty: You're going to have a lot of first kisses. You're going to want it to be special, so you remember. It's where you go from being a stranger to knowing someone, and every kiss with him after that is a shadow of that kiss."

- Mad Men, Episode Eight, Season Three

So I got another fortune from a cookie

Love is like fire.

Love is like fire.

Sometimes its hot; it melts. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you suffocate; turn to ash. Sometimes you worry. It can surprise you; it can worsen; hurt those you love; affect all around it. Sometimes it blinds you, but sometimes it can guide you. It can teach you a lesson. It can warm you; protect you;honor you. Reset and fulfill you. Wild or Tamed. Chaotic or Peaceful. Come and go, it can last a lifetime or a moment. And sometimes, it's just a mistake. You were my mistake. but I'm Glad - even if I got burned, forever.

That flame should keep burning even if it goes out. It's unpredictable, but why shouldn't it be? It hurts. I saw you again today but just passed you by. It was only until I got on the bus that I couldn't hold it back anymore. Flames extinguishing. But in that moment I couldn't help but want you to be better than me. Remember that time when I told you all I wanted was you to be happy? That's where the flame was. Not now, when there's only smoldering ash. Scorch. Regret.

I'm glad you looked well. All that worry, all that pain - it was irrational. The path is blocked. There's no turning back time. What's done is done, what's gone, gone. Whatevers left needs to be rebuilt. What survived needs to be cherished. It's an ending and a new beginning. It's helping me move on. I just hope it stays that way.

Love, it's like fire.

Get Real. Film - My False Motivation

So this summer seems to be unbelievably so a pile of suck. While not the worst, still depressing.

Anyway, today I've drawn out a rough shotlist for a film I'll be working on. The only issue is that I'm doing it to draw down time. The director keeps complaining about how they're doing all the work. Yet, when you make a film, and when you're starting out indie-style, you need to think low-budget. You also can't rely on those without experience. To those who do have it, they can't do anything unless they're given jobs. It's frustrating to first, not know what you're doing since you haven't been assigned a position and second, having to either teach from scratch or wait for someone to finish the work they're expected to do. This is a lot of work? Meet in person? All of this could easily be handled by talking online. It's more work to actually schedule a time to meet up. It's gotten even worse since people have other stuff to do, myself included. With my own [life] drama going on, I haven't been in the mood to schedule any regular meetings. ugh.



So finally, the director figured out what she wanted me to do. She assigned me as Assistant Director and assigned the other guy to DP, who, unfortunately, is busy with his own production work. So I'm stuck carrying the burden as AD.

I outlined the shotlist but the film itself will be cut to the music. That's the first problem. I don't know how she wants it cut. So I just made assumptions. I'm also no DP so with my inexperience, I flooded the shotlist with tons of shot changes. They're gonna be cut quickly since the sound track is only like 3 minutes long, but still. I haven't even had time to do some studying as I was going to do this summer.

I have to say though, I did a nice job. *Pat on back*


Now the issue is figuring out what is unnecessary. Though I could just leave it to the DP and editor to deal with, but then I'd be cheating myself anyway.

July 4th is coming up. Go to the Hudson to take photos of the fireworks? I'm just really worn out. The thought of my pathetic self and any hopes I might have just makes me tired at the thought. Tomorrow, I plan to stay home. I hate that bbq gathering, every single year. And every time it comes around, that's when I'm not doing anything. I do need to clean my new to-be room though so I could just spend all day doing that. I gotta get it done sooner or later. Damn mouse shit.

Production meeting on Thursday. Still need to decide the time, availability, and confirm the casting. Also need to work on another script. The one I wrote up is too painful to think about. What happened to all that energy during the semester? You know, when I felt like I could change the world? That moment when I thought I had an epiphany; when I could actually feel the emotions that I should have been able to transcribe easily? I almost had some of that, but it just keeps slipping away.

Balls.

Summer is Approaching

So I've been trying to deal with a multitude of things coming my way, over and over again. The circle of life; more of the same emerged like an annoying nightmare.

This relation I have with that one person, never knowing if I'm doing the wrong thing, wondering if I'm being arrogant and stuck up, if I should be doing better, if I should be apologizing, if I should be coming to terms with - what - my feelings? What are my feelings? What am I really doing? I get angry, feel like an injustice has occurred. I feel like the victim, reinforced by my logical thinking that no, I am right. Reassurance and confidence that I did everything with good intentions, with proper oversight and careful attention, meticulously choosing my words and hiding my ambiguous emotions. I quip at the mention, admonish the thought. I remind her, as before, I grow tired and I can no longer take this; I won't let it happen again. I shouldn't. But really? I claim her a hypocrite but what am I? I'm too soft, a contradiction to when she said too hard-hearted was I. Reminded of her front, the religion, her beliefs, her going back on them, her confidence, her hopes, dreams, mistakes, her honesty.

Now? Obama just announced Osama bin Laden has been killed. I was beginning to watch Black Swan. Hearing it was depressing, discussing the fact that it was shot on 16mm and dslrs like the 7d during the subway rides. Talking about ISO noise and the realities of the worlds that separate DSLRS and small-but-powerful companies like the RED. Annoyed I missed the announcement since it took an hour for him to actually come on. Here, more conflicted feelings. The man supposedly responsible for the tragic 9/11? Celebrations? For the death of a man? Martyr? An act of Justice? The good and bad that America has done in the "War on Terror?" The pain we caused, or the lives we saved? Gap of time, taking nearly 10 years to deal with him - atop the top 10 FBI Most Wanted? Obama's reelection? Was he already dead? A trump card? Trump's birther claims on Obama? (BTW, Trump, you lost any and all respect I ever had for you allying yourself like an idiot with false claims for publicity). Have club stuff to do tomorrow, no time to waste for a Sunday night, back to movie.

Got into a crazy drive some hour ago scrambling to obtain books on Sound Design/Mixing, cinematography, and lighting. Realizing Film School and Media Studies, two fields with film studies and production intensives really lack in comprehensive elements that each should contain. Realizing I need to hunger for this information, to read it, to learn it, and to apply it in the small year I have left.

Summer is approaching.

That means I have papers to write. Finals to take. Readings to do. The storm before the calm, unfortunately where the Spring Break that just finished would probably be the calm before the storm.

Yes. Summer is approaching. Summer of my life? The Fall? Or the Winter?

btw, I'm still annoyed by the fact that some people don't snap out of it and fix their lives when they obviously shouldn't be another person. As much as I'm conflicted within my self, my inner chaos, how one half treats the other is one thing that will never be vague and mistaken. It is a truth that lays valid through time and cultures. Though, such advice is only helpful in such pertaining situations. Follow it, you fools who should. I'm helpless to say anything, as I know I shouldn't. I'll just search for the wisdom to advise myself of my reality.

It's been on and off raining, temperatures rising and falling, trees turning colored pink and before I knew it, green. Goodness, Summer is approaching.

Inescapable

Is it so wrong to tell her I don't want to hang out with her? or is that just plain abandonment? Is that a failure of a friend? Or can you ever really be friends with your ex? When? To what extent?

I know I hurt her today. But I know if I try to be me, she'll hurt more later. I know can't comfort her because that'll hurt her more. And if I try to distance myself, as I am, I'm still hurting her to no end.

No matter what I do, there's pain. Spring Break will be filled with sleep, work, and contemplation. I really don't feel like doing anything with anyone anymore. Story of my life.

It's inescapable.

So I got this fortune from a cookie

How truthful it is. A start, but one that fails to define what follows.