Can you picture life without a picture?

The first kiss is very special.

2011-12-24T23:49:00.000-08:00

"Betty: The first kiss is very special.

Sally: But I already did it. It's over.

Betty: You're going to have a lot of first kisses. You're going to want it to be special, so you remember. It's where you go from being a stranger to knowing someone, and every kiss with him after that is a shadow of that kiss."

- Mad Men, Episode Eight, Season Three

So I got another fortune from a cookie

2011-12-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

Love is like fire.

2011-09-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Love is like fire.

Sometimes its hot; it melts. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you suffocate; turn to ash. Sometimes you worry. It can surprise you; it can worsen; hurt those you love; affect all around it. Sometimes it blinds you, but sometimes it can guide you. It can teach you a lesson. It can warm you; protect you;honor you. Reset and fulfill you. Wild or Tamed. Chaotic or Peaceful. Come and go, it can last a lifetime or a moment. And sometimes, it's just a mistake. You were my mistake. but I'm Glad - even if I got burned, forever.

That flame should keep burning even if it goes out. It's unpredictable, but why shouldn't it be? It hurts. I saw you again today but just passed you by. It was only until I got on the bus that I couldn't hold it back anymore. Flames extinguishing. But in that moment I couldn't help but want you to be better than me. Remember that time when I told you all I wanted was you to be happy? That's where the flame was. Not now, when there's only smoldering ash. Scorch. Regret.

I'm glad you looked well. All that worry, all that pain - it was irrational. The path is blocked. There's no turning back time. What's done is done, what's gone, gone. Whatevers left needs to be rebuilt. What survived needs to be cherished. It's an ending and a new beginning. It's helping me move on. I just hope it stays that way.

Love, it's like fire.

Get Real. Film - My False Motivation

2011-07-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

So this summer seems to be unbelievably so a pile of suck. While not the worst, still depressing.

Anyway, today I've drawn out a rough shotlist for a film I'll be working on. The only issue is that I'm doing it to draw down time. The director keeps complaining about how they're doing all the work. Yet, when you make a film, and when you're starting out indie-style, you need to think low-budget. You also can't rely on those without experience. To those who do have it, they can't do anything unless they're given jobs. It's frustrating to first, not know what you're doing since you haven't been assigned a position and second, having to either teach from scratch or wait for someone to finish the work they're expected to do. This is a lot of work? Meet in person? All of this could easily be handled by talking online. It's more work to actually schedule a time to meet up. It's gotten even worse since people have other stuff to do, myself included. With my own [life] drama going on, I haven't been in the mood to schedule any regular meetings. ugh.

So finally, the director figured out what she wanted me to do. She assigned me as Assistant Director and assigned the other guy to DP, who, unfortunately, is busy with his own production work. So I'm stuck carrying the burden as AD.

I outlined the shotlist but the film itself will be cut to the music. That's the first problem. I don't know how she wants it cut. So I just made assumptions. I'm also no DP so with my inexperience, I flooded the shotlist with tons of shot changes. They're gonna be cut quickly since the sound track is only like 3 minutes long, but still. I haven't even had time to do some studying as I was going to do this summer.

I have to say though, I did a nice job. *Pat on back*

Now the issue is figuring out what is unnecessary. Though I could just leave it to the DP and editor to deal with, but then I'd be cheating myself anyway.

July 4th is coming up. Go to the Hudson to take photos of the fireworks? I'm just really worn out. The thought of my pathetic self and any hopes I might have just makes me tired at the thought. Tomorrow, I plan to stay home. I hate that bbq gathering, every single year. And every time it comes around, that's when I'm not doing anything. I do need to clean my new to-be room though so I could just spend all day doing that. I gotta get it done sooner or later. Damn mouse shit.

Production meeting on Thursday. Still need to decide the time, availability, and confirm the casting. Also need to work on another script. The one I wrote up is too painful to think about. What happened to all that energy during the semester? You know, when I felt like I could change the world? That moment when I thought I had an epiphany; when I could actually feel the emotions that I should have been able to transcribe easily? I almost had some of that, but it just keeps slipping away.

Balls.

Summer is Approaching

2011-05-01T23:39:00.001-07:00

So I've been trying to deal with a multitude of things coming my way, over and over again. The circle of life; more of the same emerged like an annoying nightmare.

This relation I have with that one person, never knowing if I'm doing the wrong thing, wondering if I'm being arrogant and stuck up, if I should be doing better, if I should be apologizing, if I should be coming to terms with - what - my feelings? What are my feelings? What am I really doing? I get angry, feel like an injustice has occurred. I feel like the victim, reinforced by my logical thinking that no, I am right. Reassurance and confidence that I did everything with good intentions, with proper oversight and careful attention, meticulously choosing my words and hiding my ambiguous emotions. I quip at the mention, admonish the thought. I remind her, as before, I grow tired and I can no longer take this; I won't let it happen again. I shouldn't. But really? I claim her a hypocrite but what am I? I'm too soft, a contradiction to when she said too hard-hearted was I. Reminded of her front, the religion, her beliefs, her going back on them, her confidence, her hopes, dreams, mistakes, her honesty.

Now? Obama just announced Osama bin Laden has been killed. I was beginning to watch Black Swan. Hearing it was depressing, discussing the fact that it was shot on 16mm and dslrs like the 7d during the subway rides. Talking about ISO noise and the realities of the worlds that separate DSLRS and small-but-powerful companies like the RED. Annoyed I missed the announcement since it took an hour for him to actually come on. Here, more conflicted feelings. The man supposedly responsible for the tragic 9/11? Celebrations? For the death of a man? Martyr? An act of Justice? The good and bad that America has done in the "War on Terror?" The pain we caused, or the lives we saved? Gap of time, taking nearly 10 years to deal with him - atop the top 10 FBI Most Wanted? Obama's reelection? Was he already dead? A trump card? Trump's birther claims on Obama? (BTW, Trump, you lost any and all respect I ever had for you allying yourself like an idiot with false claims for publicity). Have club stuff to do tomorrow, no time to waste for a Sunday night, back to movie.

Got into a crazy drive some hour ago scrambling to obtain books on Sound Design/Mixing, cinematography, and lighting. Realizing Film School and Media Studies, two fields with film studies and production intensives really lack in comprehensive elements that each should contain. Realizing I need to hunger for this information, to read it, to learn it, and to apply it in the small year I have left.

Summer is approaching.

That means I have papers to write. Finals to take. Readings to do. The storm before the calm, unfortunately where the Spring Break that just finished would probably be the calm before the storm.

Yes. Summer is approaching. Summer of my life? The Fall? Or the Winter?

btw, I'm still annoyed by the fact that some people don't snap out of it and fix their lives when they obviously shouldn't be another person. As much as I'm conflicted within my self, my inner chaos, how one half treats the other is one thing that will never be vague and mistaken. It is a truth that lays valid through time and cultures. Though, such advice is only helpful in such pertaining situations. Follow it, you fools who should. I'm helpless to say anything, as I know I shouldn't. I'll just search for the wisdom to advise myself of my reality.

It's been on and off raining, temperatures rising and falling, trees turning colored pink and before I knew it, green. Goodness, Summer is approaching.

Inescapable

2011-04-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Is it so wrong to tell her I don't want to hang out with her? or is that just plain abandonment? Is that a failure of a friend? Or can you ever really be friends with your ex? When? To what extent?

I know I hurt her today. But I know if I try to be me, she'll hurt more later. I know can't comfort her because that'll hurt her more. And if I try to distance myself, as I am, I'm still hurting her to no end.

No matter what I do, there's pain. Spring Break will be filled with sleep, work, and contemplation. I really don't feel like doing anything with anyone anymore. Story of my life.

It's inescapable.

So I got this fortune from a cookie

2011-04-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

How truthful it is. A start, but one that fails to define what follows.

Monday April 11 2011

2011-04-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

is HOT.

no seriously, friggin 80 degrees outta nowhere. all sunny n stuff. then it drops down thirty degrees and the rainclouds are coming? NO.

bipolar weather = fail

spring break is next week. except i feel so tired...

Tired

2011-03-30T16:13:00.001-07:00

The past few months has been hectic, to say the least. It's been great, uplifting, mesmerizing, stressful, and painful. The end of the Fall semester was a bit rough. For one, I had a paper I needed to write for my Food Politics class. It was supposed to be 15 pages - a ridiculously difficult task that I've never met, simply because I'm used to Professors handing out 3 page papers. Of course, I was told I could hand it in any time, and that I'd just get an incomplete until I did so. However, over the break, I had to mail the paper to a farm in Vermont. Yes. Cost me $5 and some change, so I basically paid for my grade about 2 or 3 weeks after it was due.

It was some of the most enjoyable experiences I had over that break. Stemming from the friendship that had grown since October, and from the first Karaoke when I invited her, I got into my first relationship that taught me worlds of experience.

While I might be better off not relating all that happened at once, I do feel it would be empty to establish what she meant to me. The days were long and cold. Walking her to and from her apartment in Manhattan, sometimes at 7pm and sometimes at 1pm. There was a time when we just stayed out all day and rode the ferry to Staten Island. There was a time when she couldn't stand her family and I stayed by her side - purely a dedication of a friend. The time when we went to Brooklyn and she showed me more than she could ever know she did. And yet, there were those nights when we just hung out in a nearby place, out in the cold, and talked till we could no longer feel our hands. The chilling wind, the shivering chatter of teeth. It was magical and new. And then there was that day, perhaps the most important, when we were riding back from Ikea on the boat. The day, when she asked if she could lean on me for the rest of the ride. The day, when the most beautiful scenery encapsulated us on a journey far too short.

I was hesitant all throughout that time. I knew to be cautious, as I ever am, in getting into anything I can't handle. I was insecure. I wasn't sure how she felt. I saw her pain, but felt there was nothing I could do. It's still a feeling I have today, and probably always will when the same thing happens over and over. I had a facebook message at one point that said it all. "it hurts when you're in pain. it hurts more when your friend's in pain - a pain that can't be reached no matter what you do." I wonder how I can feel that way when I lack the kind of heart I thought I had. I was told I was heartless. I became a being that just existed, devoid of human emotion and lacking in what makes us different at times. A characteristic that we often hate, because that's part of the mistakes we make. A characteristic that, while horrible, can also be necessary in defining who we are. I've almost created what we yearn to be, and yet, it hasn't at all helped me be who I want to be.

I hate myself for how I felt. I hate myself for being so typical, fake, superficial, dishonest. I hate myself for partly wanting us to fail, to break up. I hated the fact that she was so emotional over something I concluded to be minuscule . I mean, my rationale is logical. It's my philosophy on life. The reason I'm agnostic. And yet, I see how much of a lie that is. How much I've chosen without even knowing. But still. It makes sense - you shouldn't be mad at your parents or breaking up with someone when there are so many other problems in the world. When you could lose your loved ones when you complain about the little things. It makes sense, but it's still false. You can try to be emotionless. I sometimes feel scared at how well I can kill my emotions if they lack an overwhelming strength. It was something I had wished I had as a child, regretted as a child. And when I think I've changed, I really haven't. Emotion still lingered in my sub conscience. When I heard she got back together with him, I wasn't angry. I wasn't surprised. But the pain? Why did I feel that thing in my gut? Why do I feel like my mood has dropped. Well, maybe it was because I really am as I said I was. I was working all day, and I hadn't eaten lunch (I actually haven't been eating a lot of lunch these days, either due to being busy, lazy - oversleeping - or due to budgetary restraints - where I've found value in ssooooo cheap chinese bakeries and their Lemon buns. MMMHHH!).

I don't know. As I said, it was partially my fault we had broken up. Yes, it was more than once. Yes, I still feel we would never work, despite how much we have in common and how much I do care for her. We had chemistry, but there were also opposing forces that we couldn't be rid of. Even religion, a part that I felt would be the defining issue, in the end wasn't the motivating factor. Ugh, this pains me. Still, I shed no tears. But the pain is ever subtle.

When I see a person get hurt, I get hurt as well. Although, selfishly, it's only to people who I would like (unfortunately, I've also felt disappointed in myself for not helping a person who was ostracized and merely looking for friendship, although I feel I've been wronged as well to the point I really wished I could not be remorseful; for I feel I was wronged as well). It was one of the reasons we got together. I wanted to help her, take her mind off things. Reassure her. Protect her. Yet, I see what I've done is honestly a mistake. Or it was an action that ignored the potential consequences. Call Love a consequence? And what of Lust? Perhaps I am guilty of that too, though it's embarrassing to say. She's beautiful. Her personality is brilliant, though can be annoying for certain reasons. And yes, I was annoyed because of something about her personality. It is her view of others, and her stubbornness that really gets to me. Same reason I also don't want her to change for me. The reason I wanted us to break up. A person shouldn't be forced to change for those they love. They should be accepted for who they are. Minor differences can be rectified or smoothed out. But what's at the core can't and shouldn't. But there she is. She was asked out, and as I've encouraged her, she went out with him. I was worried because he sounded fine, but some things didn't. She would complain about him, how he doesn't care about doing what she wants to do. How he's crazy about doing it, phrasing as if he had an obsession with Asian girls. And then it brought to mind ideas that have bounced around. My professor discussing how Asian girls are often seen as "easy." An acquaintance talking about how Asians are used and oppressed. More things.

They broke up, and she talked about how she'd never go back to him even if he begged. I knew that was a lie. It was her way of putting up a self defense. She hurts, just as she did when we broke up. She hurts, even when she just has a crush. I know her all too well, I'm afraid. And there's nothing I can do to comfort her. I knew we couldn't be together. I all too well wanted to remain her friend, but she was unable to do the same. Life wouldn't go back to the way we were before. I felt all that stuff about ex's never staying friends shouldn't be true. I felt I could prove my friend wrong, who believed a man and a woman can't truly be friends. I still want to prove them wrong, because I think attraction doesn't always occur in either Physical or Emotional depths. And on that topic, I knew she was yearning for companionship. The idea that being lonely is the worst thing in the world. Yes, I think I do believe so. It's painful, carrying a burden on yourself that might not even be a justifiable weight.

And then she got back together. She stayed quiet for some time. She didn't act the same. I knew it. She had asked earlier in their relationship if I think they should break up. I know it's none of my business, but I felt she needed to not only follow her heart, but to think clearly. She thinks too much with her emotions. It happened as I expected. She poured her heart out to me, ask normal as our friendship has become. Her regrets. Her unsure feelings. We discussed her mistakes, how she wouldn't make them again, how she needed to be strong. How I would always be there for her, though it didn't end well. She still loved me, I knew, and it was a point after my friend had told me what they thought of me that I realized more clearly, I was in denial. I still did...or do love her. It's just not pure love. It's not love that defies all barriers. And I couldn't have her waste her time on me, or risk myself falling for her. Losing my integrity, giving in to my feelings for her. A hope that we'd get back together. I guess I did well enough, and it was obvious we had to be distant friends. Again, was I in denial? Still conflicted I was. She helped me overcome that, though maybe it was something else.

And then, perhaps the past week or two she got back together. This time, the separation was longer. I see that same pattern emerge. I knew, deep in my gut, it was Déjà vu. The circle, repeated once more. I am more reluctant this time around. I feel my heart has been broken again, though there is no sensible reason why I should be. If I can't love her unconditionally, I'm just lying to myself. I need to be her ex, and she needs to deal with this on her own. I've given her enough advice, pure advice. Advice that was honest and well intentioned. And yet, she gives in to her emotions. She still thinks with her emotions. I can't warn her anymore. I can't try to prevent her from the pain that awaits. You don't realize what you have until you lose it. If she ends up happy with him, and they work out, I will be thrilled honest. But if she gets hurt again, falling into despair, grades dropping, a likelihood that it will happen again, that she will be used or heartbroken, I can't care. I can't comfort her because I can do nothing for her. It would make it worse. And it'd pain me to see her that way. I can't continue to try to help her. It's not my place, not my right, and perhaps she's right not to listen to me. She should, as I told her, listen to her heart. She should be smart, but not be so foolish as to assume the world is unforgiving. You don't get anywhere without taking chances. You learn from experiences. Without them, and all their pain, sorrow, love, and joy, you are stuck in a pathetic state with perpetual loss. I need to move on.

And so here we are.

"Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm just tired." "From what?" "What do you mean?" "I mean what I say. Why?" "Working. I'm really busy." "Don't work too hard."

The Social Network

2010-10-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

so the movie directed by David Fincher, "The Social Network," came out Friday and, as reviews have hinted at, it was pretty awesome. But you have to realize this isn't a documentary. It's a film. A Hollywood film. That means, it has a hint of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," i.e. gross exaggerations and totally false additions. Atleast it wasn't captioning itself as "based on a true story," even though that's what it says. Just take it for what it is and think of it as a fictional movie. The story is great, fantasticly witty scripts, great acting, and well made cuts in the editing room that intricately link the storyline and flashforewards/flashbacks/foretelling or whatever you call it*. Then look at what is truthful after you've immersed yourself in the movie - That's where the beauty lies. Because it's so much better if you consider where the points of truth lie since the movie is littered with aspects of creative reimagination and dramatization from which it is derived.

Jesse Eisenberg** has caught my eye since he starred in the movies "Adventureland" and "Zombieland." Quite honestly, he reminds me of Michael Cera, one of the few actors I even remember because I love his work. It's the persona, simply put, that similarly sounds the same. Speaking of which, I didn't see Cera's recent movie about videogames. But seeing The Social Network was very exciting for me because the trailer was brilliant. I don't watch lots of trailers and I don't go to movie theaters to see movies. But I saw this trailer two weeks ago and I went to the theater on the opening day.

Sue me.

*(sorry Media Studies, Im starting to forget my studies)
**(btw, i just found out he's from Queens, New York. represent!)

After discussing the movie a bit with some people, I feel Mark Zuckerberg is one to be lauded and respected for his work. He created something that people look for. That's how you become big - you fill a market where people want something, but don't know they want it. You also don't look to make it huge. You focus on the quality, on the aspect that people are attracted to. And you make decisions that need to be made. It's sort of like your boss. The boss, the one in charge, is expected to make things happen. They dont have to be everyone's friend, although they can be. Their bottom line is to make sure their job, and those under them, are successful in their roles; otherwise, remove anyone who is unable to fulfill their role. Zuckerberg's removal of Eduardo was unfair and excessive. However, Eduardo wasn't an innocent victim. He brought it on himself (assuming the film portrayal of that incident is true to life).

Also, many people say Zuckerberg is an a-hole for many reasons - one being that he's called people who joined facebook "dumbfucks" in an IM conversation. I knew that before I saw the movie, but so what? It's true that privacy has disappeared more than ever. But we all gave up that privacy willingly when we joined the social networking site with our real name (for most of us, as required in the terms of agreement). We gave in to targeted advertising by posting information about what we like, who we are, and our relationships are with other people. Yet, people don't realize, as usual, that if you do something on the internet, it's permanent. Same argument about internet predators. Don't post your home address, you "dumbfucks." Don't chat and set up a meeting with some person you met in a chatroom, you "dumbfucks." Don't do something ever, on the intarwebz or IRL if you don't want it coming back to haunt you, "dumbfuck." I hate it when people complain about that. And I'll be sure to make sure my children aren't stupid enough to do so, rather than taking the internet away or watching them 24/7 as they use the internet.

To add to the defense, Zuckerberg was also 19 when he created the site. The youngest billionaire? Give him some damn credit and let him be. Everyone has faults. Everyone does or says bad stuff in their life. Still, people are often judged by their faults over their strengths. Zuckerberg brought us a website with a great idea. Something that people can use. He changed the way privacy is viewed and challenged a world devoid of experience with such technology. He also made the biggest change to the idea of "social networks," that we've seen to-date. And it's not like he intended to do anything malicious with the network he built. Sure, he hacked in his earlier days but, I mean, he's got a financial stake in this company now so why would anyone do anything to piss of your source of revenue (aka customers)? His work values are good and he's an intelligent leader in a growing company.

Damn haters.

Other points I've made might include counters to whether or not Eduardo should have been better treated for his role in founding Facebook and whether or not Zuckerberg is more of a low-life thief or an intelligent innovator who saw better use for a similar idea.

maybe i'll write more on this topic later.

Tribute in Light 2010

2010-09-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

Decided to finally go out and shoot the Tribute in Light before the 10th anniversary, where it runs the risk of being the last presentation in the city. The most marvelous piece of art I've ever seen. Just the magnitude of it towering over the city buildings is unthinkable and beautiful, both up close and afar.

Truly awe-inspiring

"The Tribute In Light honors those who were lost on September 11 as well as those who worked so hard to get our city through that terrible trial.

The idea for the lights was independently conceived by several artists and designers, who were brought together under the auspices of the Municipal Art Society and Creative Time. The Tribute In Light is now produced annually by the MAS on the September 11th anniversary. It was designed by John Bennett, Gustavo Bonevardi, Richard Nash Gould, Julian Laverdiere, Paul Myoda, and lighting designer Paul Marantz.

Tribute In Light is made possible by a grant from the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation and with the generous assistance of Con Edison."

mas.org/programs/tributeinlight/

The day the twin towers fell. 9/11

2010-09-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

wow. Today is September 11. Nine years ago, the World Trade Center was attacked. I can't believe it was so long ago. Some memories stay vivid in your mind. Others are but a haze, lost in the sea of memories of a middle school child.

I think I was a freshman back then. I had just started sixth grade and was getting used to classes. 2001 was the year I also graduated from elementary school. Our grade chose the Pokémon-like cover for our yearbook. Middle school was lonesome. All my friends in elementary school entered another I.S. school so I had to make new friends - an annoyance I'd have to go through more than once in my life.

So the day started normal. Got up disgruntled and left for school. What I remember is what I kept telling myself about that day. All throughout the day, parents were pulling their children from the classes. Noone knew what was going on. After lunch, one of my teachers said that they heard from a news station that a bomb went off in the city. More children pulled out.

Finally, my sister and I separately met up with my mother who picked us up from school. I recall my mother asking me, "did they tell you what happened?" "No," I replied. We get to the car and I think she told us the World Trade Center was attacked. The twin towers fell.

What's the World Trade Center?

At home, the television wasn't working.

To those of you unfamiliar with non-digital broadcasts, the old system we used to use was what many people called "bunny ear" antennas. Of course, we still use those for converting our signal to digital, but the picture quality varied for many years after that. If it was pointed in one direction, the quality would increase. Another, fuzziness in picture and sound would emerge. Some days, you could get channel 25. Other days, depending on the weather, nothing at all.

Pokémon was usually on at that time. I don't recall the exact hour, but around 3-4pm. So we turn on the television and no channels are working. We canceled our cable subscription because they kept raising the prices so we relied on over-the-air broadcast stations which are free to anyone close enough to the city to receive them.

However, channel 2 was working. It wasn't broadcast from the WTC - the main reason the other stations weren't working. The WTC hadn't been standing for hours by that time.

Reruns. Commentary. Video. Pictures. Reruns.

The images of fires, collapse, humans jumping from the fire. It was awful. I sat there, in the dining room where we had a tv set up. I was there the entire afternoon until dinner time.

I cried.

True Story

2010-09-07T16:34:00.001-07:00

Walked outside and a cat watched me from the curb.
We had a staring contest.
I won.

Midway

2010-07-11T17:28:00.001-07:00

Morning. I wake up and head out. Get this guy named "Martin" who fixes my glasses in one shot. In the neighborhood - I decide to stop by. Heading towards the darkroom when I hear "calienteeee" in the hall. I respond with "Calienteeee." Giggles. I turn around and reiterate, "¡muy caliente!" More giggles and smiles. I continue down. "Is there a professor here?" "Yes..."

So the last entry was a bit grim. thus far, best summer i've had in a long while.

I'm more certain than I used to be. I'm more content with the heat and sweating. Eating right really changes you. I realize how boring my job can be, how fun it can be, how dramatized it can seem. I learned so much more working with a real film crew than I could have in my academic classes. First time I drank was a bit overwhelming at first.

4 shots - 2 sapporo, 1 corona, 1 asahi in that order

no food in stomach and first time = throw up 5 times. but damn, still one of the best nights of my life. Karaoke, learning, photographic wonder. Everything. I couldn't have been with better people. They took care of me. It was more purposeful in all the ways that count.

4 days of work together, average 10 hours per day, cast and crew of over 10. Just phenomenal.

And the view at the end was like a fairytale. The skyline and the east river. There's nothing like watching the sunrise after seeing the night lights. I'll definitely have to revisit.

Chess club started up again. Teaching the little ones, but finally with a volunteer teacher. First time was terrific. The kids are adorable. I just can't keep up with it like I used to.

ahh, I won't talk about the rest. I gotta get ready to do some serious studying next week. And I gotta go buy a present.

But since these are my private thoughts, I think I'll be frank. The actress is angelic. Since the first day I saw her til the last. Reminds me of the crushes I've had my entire life. But she's like one of those famous actresses in Korea. Out of touch, beautiful, intelligent, cute and charming - a true heroine. I also thought she was quieter at first. Perhaps it's because of the weather and that event. But after, she was just so sweet. Personality, her voice, such purity and innocence, and yet mature and independent. *swoon*

Today I was on the train and saw someone. I thought about how eyes are just incredible. Have I spoken of this before? Probably. I never used to understand why people said eyes are beautiful. But once you look at them. I mean like really, look at them. Words can't express it.

And the actor is really something too. Charismatic and energetic. Hell, he could be a father figure as much as he could do a Korean gangster role.

Both the main actress and actor really have dreams to do what they love. Not for fame, but for the thrill; even if it's acting on a small stage. I stand in awe to you two. idk if the other actress has such a profession in mind, but she was astounding all the same. the director i've known for some time. hell, one thing everyone experienced in the crew had in common, which exluded only like 3 of us, was that they were doing what they loved to do. to us, it was our reality. if only i could write better.

So I just want to thank you all, the entire crew and cast. Sounds corny, but english has few words to express it. So I'll be satisfied with just saying the overdone cliché: I love you all - for the time, for the moment, for the fun.

ahhhhh i still dont know what im doing in my life. ill keep bidding my time. keep exploring.

college is gonna get bad with all the major requirements i have to pile up now.

but at least I can live in the present and say YAAYYYYYYYYYY!

The Recollection

2010-06-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

It's been some time.

I've been on vacation for about a week now, which is really surprising considering it feels like I've been free for a whole summer. But finally, I'm free to do everything I couldn't do during the semester. Play games, read blogs, watch movies and videos, view and take photos, and start another clean slate.

I had a huge stack of papers over a foot long left over from this semester. I didnt realize it, but I took 6 classes/18 credits this semester and I'm going to be doing another 17 credits next semester, and that was compensating for classes I should have gotten. Still gotta finish up my non-major class requirements for graduation in addition to my major and the gazillion other electives i keep wanting to take. Electives like the UrbanStudies class I took last semester, the Photo classes, the Visual Anthropology class, and the skiing course I want to take sometime in the next two years. I considered Journalism but damn, writing is not my thing. I only write as it comes to me, on the spot, en punto, a second before its due. Hell, I had to write like 5 papers in the course of an entire week. One of them I only did half the required amount - a first - and another I handed in a day late - another first. Funny thing about that is that the paper I thought would be the worst to write actually ended up being the best of all my classes. Pshaw.

And then this paper was really horrible. It was such a BSed piece of garbage, more so than my usual stuff. I had to fill in stuff. Really, when you write a resume, you should be able to fill those damn slots up to the point you need to downsize. On the contrary, I had to upsize, upscale, write big, increase margins - all them good stuff. It was a means to an ends, that it was. I figured I might meet new people, learn new things, gain a new perspective. I figured, before, this would be an indicator as to whether or not I would continue. But I made mistakes. I learned lessons. I faced facts. With a poorly written paper, and a filthy resumé to back me up, I chose to fail in this regard. In the first attempt for it ever in my life. I didn't deserve it. It just reminds me how I got into college in the first place. Only an average overall gpa, barely any community service, barely any extra curricular activity, a trippy personal-statement essay, and an SAT grade that I took only once, and that literally just made the minimum requirements they advertised (which, after a year, went up 100 points for 2 parts). I've learned to accept things for what they are. It's my personal philosophy. It's something I do even if I don't want to accept it. Even if I feel regret, sorry, pain, depression. So long as it's a fair decision where I've not been perversely wronged. Is it fate? Errr. Or maybe I spoke too soon? Reality is a strange thing. Same for surprises, pleasant or otherwise.

Nonchalant. Complacent. Indifferent - what a funny word from my AP English year.

I always wonder if I believe in Fate, Destiny, Gods, Afterlife, Supernatural (ill show btw). I can't lie to myself. I just believe in not worrying. I just believe rationality is the only thing I can rely on. I can't choose religion with Gods because I'd be lying to myself and to everyone else if I did. I can't choose not to believe at all because that's just as folly, if not purely irrational, as believing something exists. At least if you believe, you have a chance for your future. You have hope. That's what religion does. It gives people hope. It defines society. It's a necessary and important element of contemporary society. It's something I strongly believe in, just as I strongly believe in ideals of the past and in decorum and etiquette. Have I forgotten how to have fun? Have I lost that which defines normal people? Too serious? Not serious enough? Do I believe in the system of actuality that tells us right from wrong, good from bad, proper from improper? A system that was once plagued by injustices? Racism? Discrimination? Segregation? Slavery? Dehumanization? Should they be vilified for what we believe is wrong today? Should society's accepted conventions remain be destroyed for the hypocrisy we see it to have had in our accepted norms?

I recently volunteered to help out somewhere. The night before I couldn't sleep. Finals week was over, so it wasn't academia stress. I just kept thinking about my life. My future. The plans I've come up with. The Dream that might be. The Work it requires. The Determination that's necessary. The Skills a person needs. Whether you like it or not, reading and writing is necessary. It organizes thoughts, creates time lines, structures events, and requires coherency in any media. And I volunteered. Helped them. Did it without intention of getting anything in return - not even a paper of acknowledgment. No. I just wanted to volunteer. To do something in my life that mattered. Life takes us on such a journey, huh.

And I watched the first 2 season dvds of the Prison Break series. Fantastic. Marvelous. Superb. "Those is fight'n words." Finally saw James Cameron's Avatar. A bloody modern regurgitation of Pocahontas if you ask me. And I'm an American who never uses "bloody," and puts the period and commas inside the quotes. American English a.k.a. American ftw.

Started eating breakfast every tuesdays and thursdays since I had a two hour gap between classes. Damn, it feels good to do that, in addition to bringing milk-tea or water to class and drinking. I was never one to do that, but long days and hours is so hard to survive without some comfort. Comfort? Oddly, that's just the right word to describe something that's not literally defined as says.

Keep going. Keep trying.

lol, just saw this commercial for brawny paper towels and it had a voice-over. just that the higher-pitched dudes voice didn't match the animated picture of some white brawny dude talking. lol

Responsibility I was watching a 20/20 show regarding children who attempt dangerous things including: climbing mount everest, being taught to spout brainless Hatred, sailing the world, and bull fighting. You get these douchebaggery people who claim they're too young, they shouldn't be doing dangerous stuff, "My son is 13 years old, I wouldn't let him drive" and "He can't drink, he can't vote" kinda retorts. Well, as I always say, there is many a ways to look at this. I always hated it when people belittle the intelligence and maturity of teenagers. I mean, I also listen to this show Coast to Coast AM on the radio and recently heard some lady speaking about teenage books and movies and how smart the Y generation is as opposed to popular misconception, and also responding to the host who says Fear is less prevalent today than it was in the mid to latter half of the twentieth century. Well really now. Kids aren't stupid. You see parents feeding their children fatty foods all the time and increasing their body mass, not muscle. You see parents who have their child weight lift at like 8 years old, and the kids got more muscle on his arm than i have in my entire body put together. Children are underestimated. When an interviewer talks about laws and how kids aren't even of certain ages, you just gotta say they're not seeing this thing through. It's not what a child does, but whether a child knows and does right from wrong. Certain things you just "know it when you see it," like Justice Potter Stewart said in some supreme court case regarding pornography and probably stuff on lewd material, prurient, obscene, and contemporary standard issues. Running across a highway for sport is obviously stupid. It's uncontrolled. For people to take risks, there has to be some form of control to counter the risks. The child wasn't hiking up mt. everest. The girl wasn't sailing the world in pirate waters and without training or the food and communicative capabilities to contact help. The kid wasn't facing a car; he was facing a bull with medics and people who could intervene quickly. It's no different if a child does it or an adult does it. They both are in danger, and they're both trained. If neither is trained or skilled, and has no determination, then they're asking for it. Playing football or rugby runs the same risk of dying. Going to a ballgame runs the risk of being seriously injured just like when A-Rod hit that pitcher with his slugging shot. Same for playing paintball and knowing the risks, the dangers, the workings of how fast a paintball goes and caution with lens cracks and common safety rules for being out in the field. If you want to talk about teaching kids, start with the damn ones that are destroying our nation. The gangsters, the ones committing crimes, the ones who don't listen to their parents, or with parents who obviously don't care to do anything about it. Laws exist to guide people, but they don't define everyone. It's stupid a person can vote and die for a country before they can drink alcoholic beverages. It's stupid to assume Laws apply to all under-age kids as if it determines discipline. Sure, many or most kids aren't ready for some things. But don't judge before you can really make a better conclusion on it. I'm of the opinion that anyone under 10 shouldn't even apply here; like the law, just about all kids below that shouldn't be responsible for their actions. I actually used to think the threshold was higher, but who knows. There are only certain cases when laws fail And the kid who's preaching hate and religion is just a typical brainwashed-by-propaganda victim.

Which brings me to the conflict in North Korea and the sunken ship. Aside from the wars we're in and the Iran nuclearization debacle, I've been waiting for North Korea to start a war already. Instead of this back and forth bickering, when are they finally going to change? China has been changing. Russia, well, idk, not as big a world-stage problem (but with the chess master Kasparov talking about Police States, well, im inclined to believe him). And the brainwashing that goes on in North Korea. I'd just wonder what would happen if the world got into that place. I recall a special where a North Korean child was talking to an American reporter. And it was so obvious he was either brainwashed or was being forced to say all that nasty stuff about hating Americans and South Koreans (well, i don't remember if they were mentioned). But seriously, how to deal with that? If the U.S. went in there, which is a high likelyhood considering our relation with South Korea, then what do you say? As they say, One man's Terrorist is another man's Freedom Fighter. Even on campus, I've seen people spout hate for the United States. With most terrorists being college educated, it's incredible what freedom can bring when you let racists and angry-driven extremists have their own opinion. But that's their right, and a right that should be protected. Otherwise, we'd still have a enslaved, racist society. So yea, I'd say we should accept that the U.S. is far from perfect. We, as a country, have made mistakes that can be seen as evil. Abu-Grhaib, the My-Lai and other Vietnam massacres, the subject of torture (even waterboarding) to get information, and a whole mess of other stuff. People aren't perfect. Soldiers aren't perfect. And I saw that Frontline show Wounded Platoon on soldiers, ones that are recruited despite their history with drugs and records. We have to own up to our faults while holding true to our strengths. War does things to people. Some people of a country are just purely stupid and do stupid things. It's not representative of the entire state. It just bothers me that people attack us, whether justified by certain cases. IDK. Just my thought on things. Religion is something though huh. It pisses me off to see the most blatent effects of religious preaching that goes against your core beliefs. Like You Will Go To Hell, signs thanking God for soldiers dying, hate against Jews, etc.. It's such a difficult topic. And all behind this, it reminds me of Liberal and Conservatives. They're not conservatives though, I just almost see them in a similar category. ; ]

Not to say anything on politics, seeing as how I've become more accepting of sitting on the fence, as a Left-Leaning Conservative Liberal.

Im gonna stop here. I just recovered my post because, thankfully, wordpress saves revised drafts when you hit "Save Draft" as opposed to the auto save it does. It would have destroyed a large portion of what I just rewrote because I had multiple tabs up and, to avoid this damn heat, I stepped away from the post for a few hours. so Enough of this organized chaos representation of my mind. I need to start thinking about what I'm to do in the next two years.

It's time...

For me to recollect myself.

Hello and Goodbye, Farewell My Love

2010-03-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

So where do I start...

In order to keep myself content and comfortable with the course of my life, I'm going to blog out all that feels real to me - From the small things to the aspirations. Hopefully, I'll look back at who I was, what I did, what I felt and believed, and ultimately, who I am. While I have this overwhelming academia on my plate, I'll be doing these types of blogs probably until I finish the semester and can revert back to the old ideological/philosophical ranting.

Okay. So spanning the past month, with the full semester ensuing, plenty happened that I can only break up into sections.

Let's start with the small happenings I've noted.

So there's this woman who was on the bus. I always try to mind my own business, get to where I'm going, and hold in that element of annoyance that accompanies the hubris, arrogance, and disrespect that people have. Whether they pile up in the front of the bus, when there's noone in the back (thus, leading to the bus not picking up more people) or whether they have this attitude of pushiness in obtaining a seat or knocking into someone in the overcrowded tin can, the ridiculousness never ends. I have this tendency to aspire to apathy, an illusion one associates with "being cool." But really, why do people have to throw a tantrum when a bus doesn't stop for them? Unless they really have to go somewhere, like work or a time-dependent class, they need to grow up or mature. I can't stand it. This feeling...difficult to describe in the English language. Yet, English is the only language I can formulate it in a verbal and written manner. The only other way would be creativity; I lack creativity. But photography has given me a new medium to express myself. The emotionless, quiet, carefree façade that deep down might actually be hopeful, vibrant, loudly-obnoxious, and overwhelmingly caring of the world that exists in my reality.

So after deviating from the woman in the bus, the question really is Who is the lady? Does it even really matter? I guess it doesn't. The embodiment of emotion is inherently expressed in every lady or dude who has to put up with the inevitable human interaction and clash of mannerisms. Conversely, it's like this other woman who spoke to me at the bus stop, upbeat and in a good mood, polite, greeting, showing manners and courtesy. They come and go. They make a scene and are forgotten. They try to be content all the while surviving the world in all its cruelty and uncertainty - but never alone.

Y'know, there was this one woman at the bus stop who kept looking at me. Or, at least I think she was looking at me. This young lady; a stranger; a mystery. What does it say when a person looks in your direction, when the bus will be arriving contrary, when no other soul exists motionless on the sidewalk, when the only things that float around is yourself and the peering eyes your peripheral vision notice are painted in your direction. And the awkwardness that always accompanies eye contact, whether at someone purposefully looking at you, you purposefully looking at someone, or your mistaken assertion that causes eye contact by mere coincidental accident. And what of the psyche? Was there a reminding symbol of a painful past? Was there a glimpse of curiosity? Was it an act of disgust and convulsion? Was there that essence that the Geisha commercial emphasized in saying one look will stop men in their tracks? (lol) Or was the wind and sun barraging her from the West? I guess I'll never know. Like I'll not know why this other girl was staring at me. A few more years younger still. Every time I passed, she stared. No deflection. No hiding it. Almost like how celebrities or even known-youtubers feel when people just stare at them but say nothing. "Creepy." Form of flattery? Disrespectful? A reason unkind?

It was always a wonder, here and in other situations, what would happen. Theoretically.

>
As she turned her head, her beautiful hair swaying (fact).
-
And someone came up to you and said "Excuse me, but I can't help myself but say You look Beautiful. Have a nice day." (theoretical).
>

What would you say? Think? Feel? Wonder? Fear? I've always, deep down, wished I had the courage to say that to people. Without fear of attachment, without fear of embarrassment, without fear of insult. Though, I'd think the people who would like it more would be those who 1) didn't find me creepy and an abomination and 2) who suffer from the stigma that all people have, projecting their faults more than anyone would notice and not having a means of self-reassurance (eg. boyfriend, beauty-pageant or self-confidence of appearance). But when I see girls saying they look ugly, they need to fix this or cover that, that they need to pander to mainstream society that overvalues certain elements of beauty, that they aren't special or incredible people, I just can't help but feel sadness. Why this lack of confidence? Why is it, when people get their photo taken that they are never satisfied with that they see? That their true selves are totally non-represented in their looks, or that their looks are actually constructs of that which they idolize/idealize and inherently aren't?

Hypocritical I am. Completely unrelated to the above, this semester I've felt the aura of puppy-love that I had in elementary, middle, and even high school. It's a feeling of the heart, sinking, falling over for her or them. A feeling that, for some reason, I believe disappeared for about two or so years. A yearning for something more. An admiration of gorgeousness that is the female. A reminder of a few things. Like, for me, how I had discovered why people often say the eye is the most beautiful part of the body. It's mystic, glimmer, explicit emotion. Yes. Her face. Her eyes. How they capture you in a trance. How they instill a feeling of intangible coziness. How they make you smile.

"the eye is easily the most beautiful thing in human appearances, never to be discriminated against"

interjection: She is just...Wow. Does she know how spectacular she is? I tip my hat to her - for that is all I have the courage to do, knowing who I am, what I am, what an impossibility I rationalize myself in, that I neither deserve to be with anyone nor does anyone deserve to be with one as empty and hallow as myself.
But let me just say, I think You are Beautiful: in all you do and all you are.

Like how I thought girls were beings to be worshiped in a sense, to be loved, taken care of, protected. That their existence is unparalleled in the Universe, unique, vibrant, sensational, exquisite, Love that can't be described in words. Because they are incredible, aren't they? I can't see otherwise. And so conventions of Western mannerism comes into play. It's not nice to stare. To look at someone, so stunning that one's eyes disobey their master. To unveil the shroud. The forbidden fruit, minus the sexual/biblical innuendo that may imply - Less any of this turns you into a stalker.

Let's finalize by talking about a few more things. This other lady on the bus, as the bus was mobile, lost her balance and practically was falling into the back door. This door, mind you, has steep steps and she's located directly behind me. Some women try to hold onto her. I see her falling, yet am slow to react. Really, I'm probably the worst person you'd want in sports or anything involving the words "physical" and "reaction-time." But of course, I turned around and did grab one of her arms in an attempt to prop her back up from bashing into the air-pressure-sealed door.

Chinese New Year went by.
What a time.

I saw the Notorious MSG in Chinatown, but my late arrival caused me to miss most of the parade down that passed down mott st.

And then, Dejavu, but a day earlier in mainstreet, I arrived late. But due to location, marching direction, and sunlight, shots were crappy. Really, I thought I had learned from last year's experience. But it turns out, I was wrong. The beginning is the best time due to the direction and setting in relation to the sun, unless it's cloudy.

and they had, finally, Firecrackers! (after a ban on them maybe a decade or more ago, which really made all fireworks illegal without proper permit and especially was controllable during CNY as opposed to July 4 at night)

I'd make a video about it but i've got class early and I have important things that take precedent than to perfect an edit on broken audio and the such. So I'll leave you with this voice of activism

And so I say Goodbye to her. To Love. For Love is a fickle thing, difficult to understand. For I shall see her again, that Love which hurts but always exists, following you, transcending the barriers of time and space. Telling me that I have something to live for and allowing me to see the Beauty in all things attractive, personified, and real. From crushes of the unknown to the Finalizing of that One. We part here, But I know deep down we'll see each other again soon.

Farewell, my Love.

damn

2010-02-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

spoke too soon.

A Terrible Feeling. Bully~

2010-01-29T15:13:00.001-08:00

Thursday was something. I had signed up for an 8am class, something I haven't done in over a year. Tried to sleep at 1am. No luck. 2am rolled around. 3 am. Gotta sleep, only 2 hours left. 4am. 5am. 5:30. I semi-sleep until my alarm rings and I instantly hit it, snapping out of my trance. 6am. I go through my classes like a zombie. anthro 102 is gonna be a killer, I can just feel it. Lecture class, large, boring, dry, anxious-boring feeling the whole time.

Then I head to mainstreet. I get reminded about my life. Two ghetto kinda guys. A terrible feeling. "bully" comes to mind. I've always looked at tv shows and movies about "student bullying" and the stereotypical "jock" as ridiculous. I've never really experienced it and rarely, if ever, see it. Though the personalities exist. I recall two kids in middle school. No, they weren't bullies. Friends? Kinda. They were smart guys. We had some good times. Kept me from getting bored. But pain in the ass? Yea. This one day, I got so pissed off. Things happened. I got saved by some classmates. She helped me. He helped me. Classmates. That's the way it was.

So what is it about people? Personalities differ. Some pick on others. Fashion takes a role. Physical Appearance takes a role. *I pop a piece of gum into my mouth to keep from chomping on junk food when im not even hungry*

"Cyber bullying." What a joke. If your kid gets bullied online, he's an f'ing dumbass. But that feeling you get. The anger. The heat, blood rushing to the head, adrenaline pumping. It's really something. It's real. It would be simple to say bullying occurs to those less educated. Like this piece I recently read, about how a large number of suicide terrorists have an education above high-school. Like what happened to me in the past. Group mentality? I guess so.

Though at the end of that minute ordeal today, I got saved by bubble tea, boba. Brief pure bliss. Even when I was a walking zombie the rest of the day. Speaking of which, I get a weekday off from both academics and employment for the first time in my life. I bet it won't last a week, considering scheduling and such. Oh well. I slept at 11pm and awoke at 7am. I must say, it feels great to sleep normally for once. and I'm anxious about February. Valentine's day and Chinese New Years on the same day. That's a whole lotta red may'yun. Lots of picture taking. Lots of movie making. Lots of that good stuff they call academia. (insert sarcasm here). A nearly mandatory event of sitting and talking: a selling point in layman terms (god, i hate that word). I've been really craving a 5d mk2 or 7d and the 24-105 f4 L lens. But every time I look at the prices, my savings, and my prospective expenses, the shit just sucks. I can't wait until Canon comes out with something new but shitty, so the prices plummet and I can actually get something worth my money. Consumers always get garbage deals on product features that should be standard. And the industry keeps getting stopped by ISO and industry regulation that aims to exploit consumerism each and every day, when we should be way ahead of where we are. I mean, look at South Korea and technology. The U.S. should be ahead of them in terms of deals and technological innovation & advancement, at least to supplement for not having an economy that actually exports anything worth a dime. But we aint. Damn, now this is becoming a socio-economic and political rant. If I don't stop now, religion is gonna seep in here. Then, before long, the dark stuff that which shall not be named.

Oddly, I'm writing in broken fragments and commas right now. Talking about stuff abnormal to my persona. Random wtf digressions, Like Go Utada Go! Forgetting stuff I was going to write about, that happened or didn't happen. I think I'll cut it for now. Maybe I'll have more to say in the not-so-near future.

2010-01-13T19:41:00.001-08:00

January 13 10. I walk into 7-eleven and see this obese lady filling out scratchcards. She stays immobile, leaning over the counter, eager, hopeful - ignorance, bliss, or both? To think, that something so simple, so small a chance, can give millions of people hope. That people come to America, believing in the American dream, yet when asked straight on "Do you think you will become rich?" they reply "No," without hesitation. I find appearances, physical and personified, to be a cruel fate that awaits all humans. Some are born with it, inscribed into their dna without choice, while others are simply lucky. I'm lucky. Indeed, I know that to be true. Yet I complain. I pick at imperfections. Amplify the bad, assume others see the same. I become superficially self-centered. But what of the millions of others out there?

The Smile Train is a fine example of the unfairness appearances bring. How can one live a life when they are the subject of ridicule? When they must live, day in and day out, knowing they live the label of "freak," walking down the street knowing every single person has a measure of shock or disgust, even if they indeed would never intend it. The adage, it's not the outside, but the inside that matters, is a contradicting truth. The truth held above all, is that the inside is the most important. The truth, however, is propped up by the truth of appearance. We weigh everything heavily by what we see and hear. You may struggle harder than anyone else in the world, but most would ignore it. Reasoning relies heavily on appearance, like JFK vs Nixon in televised or radioed debates. Even I can't deny how much I think about appearances, both of myself and of others. While I hope I have the strength to ignore it in all that I do, in my entire life living by reason, by hope, by truth, by sincerity....and by selflessness, my always instinct seems to attack me - threatening to bring down the barrier I have built up, otherwise known as my moral philosophy; my ethics.

If there is a hell, I'm drifting toward it. And that's why I'm fearful of intoxication. To think, all my deep, dark secrets could be unraveled and exposed to the world. That people would know I'm not the façade I seem to be. That behind the mask that I don so dearly, which I cherish so much to my pride, is so ugly and disgusting, vulgar, repulsive, conceited. Hubris? What is worse? People whose appearances show their hardships, yet who go through life sincerely and truthfully, or people whose appearances deceive the world, who lie and lie and lie simply because society dictates that they should? Is it not what it seems to be?

It truly sucks to be human. Or rather, it truly sucks to have human nature.

Ive kept myself company my whole life

2010-01-13T19:40:00.001-08:00

My entire life, i've coped with things. i've thought long and hard, sought to fit into society, said as little as possible, cried at my irreversible mistakes, pledged that i'd be a better person, pledged that i'd mature.

and from a young age, i sought nothing but to mature. to not be like those kids running around. to not break the laws that constrain me. to retain a composure so serious, so respectful, so self-restraining that was expected of an adult. and with that, i saw life like a game of chess. logic. reasoning. black and white extremes with a gray that explains everything. everything having a reason, everything having an explanation, everything having two sides with no good or bad but human error, everything being rationalized with reason. it seems as though, to my life right now, i've cast away my humanity. i've cast away socializing for etiquette and a yearn for respect and love. for a hope to fit in.

and yet, here i am. lazy. a bored person. a boring person. one who responds without opinion. one who doesn't make conversation, who even seems to abhor conversation in choosing to end it. one who can't think of anything to talk about, lacking interest, lacking humor, lacking charisma, lacking...everything. afraid to be criticized, to be measured, to be put on the spot for fear of being embarrassed - an embarrassment coming from ineptitude; knowing my brain can't think in the moment, can't calculate simple arithmetic for the world, can't do what everyone else seems to be able to do.

and yet, here i am. and that was is my life

i gave up this blog before i even began